“Once the trauma of childhood is remembered, next step is to recognize what conclusions were made by the child about themselves then. E.g. mother rejected = I am unlovable.”
And I am sitting
at this exact place in the bar,
writing this,
where we sat down
together
2 days ago.
We did not fuck.
Yet again.
The first time we tried to fuck (was exactly 3 months ago, on March 7th, just realized it),
was preceded by hours of talking,
lots of beer,
lots of white expensive wine that you had,
and lots of cocaine.
After I ate your pussy for a while,
you went on to suck
my dick.
It did not work.
Not only did it not work,
it had fucking shrunk.
Fucking cocaine.
After that
I really wanted to see you again.
Badly.
Like really badly.
To prove I am a man.
I am not a little boy.
Oh,
but you were married,
and continuously away.
You got divorced,
one month after meeting me.
10 years of marriage.
I want to believe it was
because of me.
That's how fucked up
I am.
Well,
we finally met,
twice,
after the accident.
Two days ago was the last time,
exactly here,
in this bar,
at this table,
where these words are
being written now.
I hear girls' voices.
I do not look.
I do not care.
Come on.
I just pretend.
I do care.
I want them all to
suck my dick.
Will I meet you again?
I sent you pictures of my penis.
I fucked other girls in the meantime.
Still,
salvation is yet to come.
Will it come?
Your pussy is my priest.
“emotions are fleeting. emotions are fleeting. emotions are fleeting.”
“be a child from time to time”
“you are a beautiful bird”
and the pigeon guy
was feeding her.
what is the word?
regurgitate?
ye.
it was beautiful,
and disgusting,
at the same time.
then she allowed him to jump on her.
he fucked her for 2 seconds.
all that effort for 2 seconds' reward?!?!
these fucking pigeons.
just trying to fuck and eat.
that is all they do.
wait...
what do i do?
“The fear of the future prevents us to cherish the magic of the present.”
“Underneath the anger you will often find sadness.”
Prague. The city of expats. People from far away. Having left their homes, families. They are desperately lonely. How could they not be? There is no one here for them.
There is something in us that viscerally requires others. Different types of love need to be satisfied: parental, romantic, social. Sure they are more.
Many people, especially intellectually inclined, tell themselves a lie, a false justification, for their misery. They will say it is because of the intellectual unfulfillment that they struggle. However, after many observed cases, the same strong correlation becomes conspicuous: the absence of love, the type of love, the quality of love - that is what mostly determines the levels of well-being for majority of people.
The ability to admit that one is lonely and desperately needs others correlates with a more mature and stronger ego.
There are many treasures to discover in the very painful solitude. Namely, the appreciation of others, the appreciation of love, the appreciation of moments, and the realization of mandatory self-improvement. You see time and time again a person after encountering a prolonged period of despair caused by unrequited love commences on new journeys: exercise, new hobbies, intellectual endeavors.
Therefore, one thing is clear: solitude albeit painful, can cause great self-actualization. If the path of self-actualization is not undertaken, self-destruction is inevitable.
How to inspire people to undertake the path of self-improvement? The answer to this has been known by psychologists for quite a while now. One must be made to do something. Anything. Some sort of a step of improvement needs to be taken, regardless of its size. It might start just by commitment of never leaving dirty dishes overnight. The compounding effect of perpetual self-improvement can bring previously unimagined fruits. Unfortunately, it is difficult to comprehend it, especially when one is in great anguish.
Hope is in the change. Love is in the self-actualization. Love without it is impossible. Maslow's pyramid is in the wrong order.
“Ideas emerge in the same way as organisms do i.e. in evolutionary way e.g. democracy is just a complex abstraction of tit-for-tat strategy that is observable even in bacteria. If that is the case, then what drives the ideas? Just look at bacteria and you will get your answer.”