why the fuck did i go and approach you at that bar?
get out of my mind!
will ya?!

it is june already...

for the sake of fuck!

it's been almost 3 months,
since that stupid ass evening
when i met you for the first time.
“you make me alive. fantasies of you are so delicious. it is going to end badly. i do not care.”

The demon of sex precedes thoughts emerging and those thoughts being perceived i.e. those enchanting poetic love stories are created to justify the ID in order to satisfy the Super-Ego. The captain of the ship is invisible, hidden under the veil of fantasies such as love or friendship. Is it truly needed? One might say this truth would break the social norms. But, would it be bad? What if everyone peeled the onion until they saw what is inside the bulb? Where would it lead to? I believe it would lead to the actual true love.

In other words, drives are the initiators of the action and thought. They reward or punish us through feelings. Thoughts must match societal norms (that are internalized as well) to satisfy the Super-Ego. Think you love that person, miss them while listening to love songs and all of it makes you feel alive? Well, the drive of reproduction rewards you in this way so you continue being attached to the person you can reproduce with.

Are we just marionettes of the drives believing in a lie that we are free? Just the knowledge and clear awareness of it does not seem to lead to a long-term emancipation. Is it because there will always be a part in us that wants to believe in magic?
“Hope for love being real destroys evil.”

Can the pain of love be conquered? Destroyed? Or there is nothing but to feel it as long as it is felt? Is resistance futile? Should it even be pursued?

It hurts so much..

But is she the reason for that pain or the pain comes from not attaining what she represents? Desperate attempt to possess beauty. That failed once again. All for what? Is it because we appreciate beauty? No. It is an attempt to be God and to have subordinates. "Look at me! I possess this creature! I am superior! Bow to me!". You are better than this! Escape through seeing it clearly. You are not God. You are a mere beast. Beauty is not to be possessed, it is to be childishly appreciated.

It hurts so bad..

Another unfulfilled fantasy that I indulged in so greedily. Can we actually love? Are we trying to escape what we know we are through these fantasies and lies such as love?

We can truly love! It is possible. And I will never give up on it no matter what. No matter how much I have to endure, I will endure it. I will die believing in it. I will never give up on it. Amor fati! Bring it on, Satan. You can suck my dick. You are nothing compared to me.
“The ideology of modern times makes it a personal duty to enjoy oneself. That leads to people feeling anxious when they do not enjoy enough. Constant pleasure seeking and personal satisfaction becomes the ultimate goal.”
“Do good to others. Pay attention to them. Care. Be loyal. To every single person you meet. We are all here together in this nonsense. On a small blue spaceship travelling through space.”
“Ideas emerge in the same way as organisms do i.e. in evolutionary way e.g. democracy is just a complex abstraction of tit-for-tat strategy that is observable even in bacteria. If that is the case, then what drives the ideas? Just look at bacteria and you will get your answer.”
I am unable to love. I say I deeply long for it yet at the same I see clearly what is behind it, behind all those romantic talks. And it disgusts me. I am disgusted by what I am. Nothing more than just a delusional beast who is continuously manufacturing grandiose ideas about himself but acts in a simplistic beastly manner. I am nothing but a liar. An actor. A slave to control. A prisoner of desires, unable to escape. Forever stuck. Because I am too weak. I have no will power. I am just destined to obey. Pathetic.
“I want to put my dick in you so badly. That would erase your wisdom. You need it.”