Maybe you feel you are in jail because of the unattainable ego ideal that has been developed in your psyche? Maybe not, maybe it's something simpler. What kind of a woman you wish you were, what kind of circumstances you wish you had? Imagine you could build it from scratch now. What would it be? No child? Travelling? Living in different places? A psychologist? Having many affairs? Lou Salome? But maybe it's not about it actually?

What future terrifies you? What is the root of despair? Maybe it's the feeling that your youth has passed, there's no more chance of passionate youthful silly love happening that makes us alive and forget the realities of human experience? There's nothing but numb adventureless adulthood left instead (regardless of how many more trips you will take, haven't you seen it all, experienced it all?)?

You are an adult. You are finally an adult. Who will protect you and put a bandage on when you fall now? You, and you alone.

The child is not the reason you feel you are in jail. It is just human experience that makes you feel that way. It is that innate sense in us, all humans, that there is something more real besides all of this. We desperately try to escape it. But we cannot escape it. No matter how much we try. No matter how fast we try to run away from it. The only way is to just give up and accept it (and become what we actually are instead of trying to become the internalized perfect version of a human shaped by the stories of role models we have encountered throughout our lives). We are all prisoners (good thing to remember, we all share this). And the more we fight against it, the deeper we fall into the depths of hell.

You will grow old. You will get that cancer. You will die. It's only for a moment. But look at the sky. Jesus. Look at that sky. That sky is art.