Tired, depressed, in yet another bar. Drinking but it is not a happy drinking type of an evening. Just filling the void of meaninglessness so passionately felt, especially tonight. Nothing can help now. All is left is to feel this desperation. It will pass. Why not completely embrace in it?

Am I doing what I should be doing? Ah, life got so comfortable. The scared boy inside, the boy who was hurting so much in the past, is quiet, calm. I am like a father and mother figure to him now. He feels protected. Nothing can hurt him.

What now? The child inside is sleeping comfortably and having dreams of trees. What about the father?

It just comes. And goes. Feelings. Like some entity completely separate from me. It speaks. Oh brother, it speaks! When it does, everything changes. Am I anything more than a marionette?

Love? Status? Demons of mine, what is missing now?! Tell me!! No. You do not need to. I know it myself.. I am just not brave enough to live the way I should. I am going to change. I am going to pursue it. Next week... Next year... And for that, for that laziness and cowardice, you are punishing me. You should. Of course, I would say you should. You are God. I am just a subordinate.